I haven't written in so long I've nearly forgotten how to write! I'm writing now because I'm bored, not because I have anything really important or interesting for that matter to say. I'm on holidays from work this week, not the norm, but circumstances have dictated it that way. The kids are also off so I'm playing the "mummy" role for the week. I'm not very good at it however, I'm good at the "caring" role but lack the patience required when being in the company of a teenager and a pre-teenager 24/7! And the awful thing about it is that it brings back memories of times long gone between my brother and myself - the inability of my son to let my daughter walk by him with hitting her, or tripping her up, or just generally annoying her, astounds me in one way and on the other hand, just brings back memories of my own childhood. What can I say, I was the pre-teen girl and my brother was that teenage boy .... and so the circle of life continues ..... some day, hopefully in my life time, they will have children and will remember these days, the way I remember them, and maybe then they'll come to me with sorrowful looks and apologise for all the grief (wishful thinking on my part!).
There isn't a day that goes by when I don't think about my mother and wonder how different my life would be if my parents were still alive to share it with me. But of late, I find myself wishing she was alive so I could apologise for all the grief myself and my brother caused her during those pre-teen and teenage years - how wonderful it would be to talk to her about all this, to hear her words of wisdom ... in fact, how wonderful it would be just to hear her ....
I feel I have lost so much from her absence in my life and so have my kids but that's the way it was meant to be I suppose, and although when I think about her for too long, I always want to cry, I hear her saying "no point in crying over spilt milk" ... so I blink back the tears and carry on .... cause that's what we do .... the circle of life.
Monday 5 April 2010
Sunday 24 January 2010
Closure
WD said to me on Friday night - "closure, you need closure" ...
Closure - what's that - I wish someone would give me the text book definition of it so I would know what I'm supposed to do to get closure - generally people have said to me over the years, tell him, whether its in a letter or an email or face to face .... but I never did ... I never told him how I felt about everything that went on and I never got to ask him why ...
So every now and then it all comes back to haunt me and I have to take time (like now) to try and figure out why, why its all upsetting me again -possibly the fact that we spent time together a couple of weeks ago and the interaction between them and us over C2 has been substantial in the last week or so .... this coupled with spending time in their home (the surreal nature of it all, like reversal of lives) .. is probably why i'm asking unanswerable questions again ...
I thought of writing the letter so many times over the years, the last time was just before the divorce, saying to myself its now or never and I chose the never and wonder now did I do the right thing? I don't want to know anymore why he behaved the way he did, why he fell out of love with me, what I really want to know (truth be told) is .. did he ever love me, was I ever "the one" as he was mine or does he believe now that he's met her, I was never "the one" - she's "the one" ... if I was never "the one", then what did I invest 20 years of my life in ... a dillusional relationship? Maybe there isn't such thing as "the one" and if that's the case, do I now need to re-define my understanding of what love really is?
In WD I'm rediscovering love - I can't give him the title of "the one", its been used and he deserves so much more than a 2nd hand title ... a lot of the time with WD, when we're not just "getting on with things", I wish that I could do all the firsts with him, the firsts that make a history of a relationship, that establish a past, enhance the present and usually cements the future. But I've done most of the "firsts" already, the major things that is, like marriage and babies and divorce(wouldn't want to do that particular first again) .... maybe this is where I need to change my outlook .... sharing the "firsts" with someone and making a history, don't make it last as I discovered the hard way ... so is it this outlook I need to change? Is the relationship about the love and the respect not the ring and the kids? I am here because I want to wake up beside you in the morning and curl up beside you at night ... not because we wear rings and have kids .....
you see the strange thing is that I know all this ... I chose not to be in my marriage for that exact reason, I wanted to be with someone who loved me because I am me, who wanted to wake up beside me in the morning and curl but beside me at night .. not wanted to be with me out of obligation to a vow and the kids .... so I know what I want and I choose to end the marriage in order to have that ... but I miss the history, and every now and then, like now, I have to remind myself that although I had the history, I didn't have the love anymore and the love is what I want ...
...every day I spend with WD adds another day to our history, but history isn't going to cement our future, only the love and respect will do that, only the wanting each other ...
... is the fact that if I could, I would do the firsts all over again with WD verification enough that if I hadn't already used the title of "the one" I'd give it to him?? So if in the course of your life time you chance to meet two loves who you would give the title of "the one" to, how important then is the title??
When it boils down to it, its got nothing to do with the title, its about the love .... and i'm lucky that I'm re-discovering that wonderful thing called love with WD ...
Closure - what's that - I wish someone would give me the text book definition of it so I would know what I'm supposed to do to get closure - generally people have said to me over the years, tell him, whether its in a letter or an email or face to face .... but I never did ... I never told him how I felt about everything that went on and I never got to ask him why ...
So every now and then it all comes back to haunt me and I have to take time (like now) to try and figure out why, why its all upsetting me again -possibly the fact that we spent time together a couple of weeks ago and the interaction between them and us over C2 has been substantial in the last week or so .... this coupled with spending time in their home (the surreal nature of it all, like reversal of lives) .. is probably why i'm asking unanswerable questions again ...
I thought of writing the letter so many times over the years, the last time was just before the divorce, saying to myself its now or never and I chose the never and wonder now did I do the right thing? I don't want to know anymore why he behaved the way he did, why he fell out of love with me, what I really want to know (truth be told) is .. did he ever love me, was I ever "the one" as he was mine or does he believe now that he's met her, I was never "the one" - she's "the one" ... if I was never "the one", then what did I invest 20 years of my life in ... a dillusional relationship? Maybe there isn't such thing as "the one" and if that's the case, do I now need to re-define my understanding of what love really is?
In WD I'm rediscovering love - I can't give him the title of "the one", its been used and he deserves so much more than a 2nd hand title ... a lot of the time with WD, when we're not just "getting on with things", I wish that I could do all the firsts with him, the firsts that make a history of a relationship, that establish a past, enhance the present and usually cements the future. But I've done most of the "firsts" already, the major things that is, like marriage and babies and divorce(wouldn't want to do that particular first again) .... maybe this is where I need to change my outlook .... sharing the "firsts" with someone and making a history, don't make it last as I discovered the hard way ... so is it this outlook I need to change? Is the relationship about the love and the respect not the ring and the kids? I am here because I want to wake up beside you in the morning and curl up beside you at night ... not because we wear rings and have kids .....
you see the strange thing is that I know all this ... I chose not to be in my marriage for that exact reason, I wanted to be with someone who loved me because I am me, who wanted to wake up beside me in the morning and curl but beside me at night .. not wanted to be with me out of obligation to a vow and the kids .... so I know what I want and I choose to end the marriage in order to have that ... but I miss the history, and every now and then, like now, I have to remind myself that although I had the history, I didn't have the love anymore and the love is what I want ...
...every day I spend with WD adds another day to our history, but history isn't going to cement our future, only the love and respect will do that, only the wanting each other ...
... is the fact that if I could, I would do the firsts all over again with WD verification enough that if I hadn't already used the title of "the one" I'd give it to him?? So if in the course of your life time you chance to meet two loves who you would give the title of "the one" to, how important then is the title??
When it boils down to it, its got nothing to do with the title, its about the love .... and i'm lucky that I'm re-discovering that wonderful thing called love with WD ...
My gorgeous girl
Isn't it funny how we take our children for granted. With all our busy lives its easy to forget the joy that just their presence in our lives can bring! I'd be the first to hold up my hand and say that this whole "maternal" thing doesn't consume my every waking hour as it seems to do some of my friends. My children are a part of my life, not my whole life, and sometimes I admit they can fade into the background, busy with their friends doing their own things. Last week though I had a little reminder of just how prescious they are and just how much they add to my life.
The week before last my daughter went into hospital to get her tonsils out. Routine operation by all accounts and a day procedure so by 5.15 pm on the same day we were in the car heading home. As her Dad lives in a different house we agreed prior to her going into hospital that we would share the aftercare so that she could be at home (home in her life is defined by 2 houses!) for all of her recovery and not "shipped out" to friends, child minders etc (the absence of family assistance is due to my family living too far away). So, I took the first rota of the Wed, Thur and Friday. She was due to go to her Dad's on the fri night for the weekend with her brother as normal but we said we would play this by ear depending on how she was feeling. Friday evening came around and she said she was well enough to go. Remarkable recovery up to this point by the way, we were all slightly taken aback. On reflection, I have no idea why I was taken aback - as a general rule she's a "well" child, rarely sick and a fighter, therefore was bound to bounce back fairly sharply (we mustn't forget she also falls into the category of "girl, female, would be woman", which defines her from the outset as strong and a fighter!). I digress. Saturday morning dawns minus sick child and brother and a terrible emptiness. I had enjoyed by time of "carer" and "full time mammy" and suddenly I was not required! Never mind the constant worry that Dad and MC were not going to follow the rota and dispense the medication at the right time (they are quite capable people, I'm just a control freak!!). Anyway, Sunday evening I called to collect her brother and was brought in (1st time in 3 years!) to see my daughter and given tea! Quite a surreal 15 mins (that was as long as I could endure). Satisfied that she was doing well, we left. Monday dawned, I missed her so when my son said he needed to call to his dad's to collect his phone charger I jumped at the opportunity to see my little girl. Off we go, 10 mins was enough to assure me she was ok. 10 mins was enough for her to sit on my knee and be assured I was still around. Tuesday morning dawned not so great. She had been in pain all mon night and MC was bringing her to the doc. It transpires she had an ear infection on top of the throat and was in terrible pain with her ears. By Tuesday evening I was worried sick and just wanted her home to look after her myself. By Tuesday night I got a phone call from a crying child "Mummy please come and see me" .. so I did ... and we sat on their couch, her in my arms for an hour ... she just wanted her mammy and MC recognised this and gave me my place, maybe she's not quite as looney as I thought .........
Wednesday dawned bright with me in high spirits because my gorgeous girl was coming home to me. I even sent a text and asked could she come home earlier ... MC also obliged me on this request so by 7.10 pm I was at their door collecting both children. We're in the car 2 mins and this voice comes from the back (she sounds different now without those 2 HUGE tonsils in her throat) "I missed you mummy" ... "I missed you too darling", I said, I cried (I always cry when emotional!).
Home we go and she bounces out of the car and into my arms ... so there we stood, mummy and gorgeous girl, in the drive, holding onto each other for dear life ... crying,, I missed you, I missed you too, .. I love you, I love you too ... over and over again ............. this one "maternal moment" made up for all those hundreds of others I never have and sometimes secretly wish I did ... maybe I'm not such a freak after all where my maternal instincts are concerned, maybe I'm just fortunate that life goes on and the "drama" regarding my kids is about things I can do something about, because they're always here for me to help or just listen or just hug when required, maybe I should be thankful that those "overwhelming" feelings of last week only come every now and again .... maybe I'm the lucky one.
The week before last my daughter went into hospital to get her tonsils out. Routine operation by all accounts and a day procedure so by 5.15 pm on the same day we were in the car heading home. As her Dad lives in a different house we agreed prior to her going into hospital that we would share the aftercare so that she could be at home (home in her life is defined by 2 houses!) for all of her recovery and not "shipped out" to friends, child minders etc (the absence of family assistance is due to my family living too far away). So, I took the first rota of the Wed, Thur and Friday. She was due to go to her Dad's on the fri night for the weekend with her brother as normal but we said we would play this by ear depending on how she was feeling. Friday evening came around and she said she was well enough to go. Remarkable recovery up to this point by the way, we were all slightly taken aback. On reflection, I have no idea why I was taken aback - as a general rule she's a "well" child, rarely sick and a fighter, therefore was bound to bounce back fairly sharply (we mustn't forget she also falls into the category of "girl, female, would be woman", which defines her from the outset as strong and a fighter!). I digress. Saturday morning dawns minus sick child and brother and a terrible emptiness. I had enjoyed by time of "carer" and "full time mammy" and suddenly I was not required! Never mind the constant worry that Dad and MC were not going to follow the rota and dispense the medication at the right time (they are quite capable people, I'm just a control freak!!). Anyway, Sunday evening I called to collect her brother and was brought in (1st time in 3 years!) to see my daughter and given tea! Quite a surreal 15 mins (that was as long as I could endure). Satisfied that she was doing well, we left. Monday dawned, I missed her so when my son said he needed to call to his dad's to collect his phone charger I jumped at the opportunity to see my little girl. Off we go, 10 mins was enough to assure me she was ok. 10 mins was enough for her to sit on my knee and be assured I was still around. Tuesday morning dawned not so great. She had been in pain all mon night and MC was bringing her to the doc. It transpires she had an ear infection on top of the throat and was in terrible pain with her ears. By Tuesday evening I was worried sick and just wanted her home to look after her myself. By Tuesday night I got a phone call from a crying child "Mummy please come and see me" .. so I did ... and we sat on their couch, her in my arms for an hour ... she just wanted her mammy and MC recognised this and gave me my place, maybe she's not quite as looney as I thought .........
Wednesday dawned bright with me in high spirits because my gorgeous girl was coming home to me. I even sent a text and asked could she come home earlier ... MC also obliged me on this request so by 7.10 pm I was at their door collecting both children. We're in the car 2 mins and this voice comes from the back (she sounds different now without those 2 HUGE tonsils in her throat) "I missed you mummy" ... "I missed you too darling", I said, I cried (I always cry when emotional!).
Home we go and she bounces out of the car and into my arms ... so there we stood, mummy and gorgeous girl, in the drive, holding onto each other for dear life ... crying,, I missed you, I missed you too, .. I love you, I love you too ... over and over again ............. this one "maternal moment" made up for all those hundreds of others I never have and sometimes secretly wish I did ... maybe I'm not such a freak after all where my maternal instincts are concerned, maybe I'm just fortunate that life goes on and the "drama" regarding my kids is about things I can do something about, because they're always here for me to help or just listen or just hug when required, maybe I should be thankful that those "overwhelming" feelings of last week only come every now and again .... maybe I'm the lucky one.
Monday 11 January 2010
What to write about ...
I could write about the latest instalment in the Intuition v Paranoia saga but sometimes I think I give the whole thing too much thinking time .. by doing this I actually give it/her/them a place of importance which I shouldn't...
I could write about the next "hot" topic in my life which is C1 and his schooling or lack of interest in it but again, don't feel much like writing all about that now .. would take forever.
So what to write about ... I found a friend I haven't seen in years on facebook recently - it was so lovely to briefly catch up with her over a couple of emails but last night I was on facebook and she popped up for a chat - as she's a lovely person to talk to I was happy to chat - what followed was her recounting about her marriage and how difficult it can be and how her marriage is not a place she wants to be any more - it was a very sad conversation and my heart went out to her, her description of her life was so similar to mine before the inevitable separation, that I had outpourings of empathy for her. Have you ever have a situation like that where you just wish you could go to the person rather than type them meaningful words, sometimes a hug, a held hand, a look, can convey so much more? ... that's what I wanted to do for her last night but she's too far away (a plane journey) so not feasible. She did say something that I learnt only too well though my own experience:
She said she realised now that love doesn't take you through a lifetime together, its friendship, shared common interests, and if you don't have that you'll never get there
My thoughts - if you can't be friends with your loved one, then you have nothing. My advice to anyone reading this is let friendship be the foundation of any loving relationship, treat your loved one as you would your friends, with the same amount of respect and consideration, its so easy in a marriage/long term relationship to forget about "consideration" and take it all for granted and rarely would we do that to a friend.
Kahlil Gibran writes beautiful verses about Love and Friendship. Worth a read if anyone has the time.
I could write about the next "hot" topic in my life which is C1 and his schooling or lack of interest in it but again, don't feel much like writing all about that now .. would take forever.
So what to write about ... I found a friend I haven't seen in years on facebook recently - it was so lovely to briefly catch up with her over a couple of emails but last night I was on facebook and she popped up for a chat - as she's a lovely person to talk to I was happy to chat - what followed was her recounting about her marriage and how difficult it can be and how her marriage is not a place she wants to be any more - it was a very sad conversation and my heart went out to her, her description of her life was so similar to mine before the inevitable separation, that I had outpourings of empathy for her. Have you ever have a situation like that where you just wish you could go to the person rather than type them meaningful words, sometimes a hug, a held hand, a look, can convey so much more? ... that's what I wanted to do for her last night but she's too far away (a plane journey) so not feasible. She did say something that I learnt only too well though my own experience:
She said she realised now that love doesn't take you through a lifetime together, its friendship, shared common interests, and if you don't have that you'll never get there
My thoughts - if you can't be friends with your loved one, then you have nothing. My advice to anyone reading this is let friendship be the foundation of any loving relationship, treat your loved one as you would your friends, with the same amount of respect and consideration, its so easy in a marriage/long term relationship to forget about "consideration" and take it all for granted and rarely would we do that to a friend.
Kahlil Gibran writes beautiful verses about Love and Friendship. Worth a read if anyone has the time.
Sunday 10 January 2010
Missing Him
I'm missing WD. He's gone home after a lovely weekend - the house feels different. We don't live together for mainly financial reasons but sometimes I think we use that as an excuse .... Sometimes I wonder if we're doing the right thing .. not fixing something that's not broken .. and other times I think we're wasting our time together by not being together. I think a part of WD loves going home, in fact, his happiness of the prospect of going home becomes evident a couple of hours before he leaves but I think when he gets there, he can hear the silence which makes him miss us (you rarely hear the silence in this house lol).
As both the kids are in bed, I can hear the silence now, which makes me miss him more ... we're two of a kind him and me :)
As both the kids are in bed, I can hear the silence now, which makes me miss him more ... we're two of a kind him and me :)
Suspicions confirmed
Yesterday morning child no. 1 (C1) received a series of texts from MC - suffice to say these texts were suggesting meeting on a weekend that wasn't their weekend. Upon my offer of a cooked breakfast C1 came into the kitchen to say that MC had invited him for breakfast in the local cafe. Suspicions of intuition confirmed!! What followed was a stomach churning moment of complete nausea when I thought I was going to empty the contents of my stomach on the kitchen floor!! Subtle waves of panic, all too familiar, rocked me .... OMG this can't be happening again ....
With the benefit of experience, I calmed myself, confirmed with my other half (lets call him WD) that my suspicions were founded, showed him the said texts, whereupon he expressed his disbelief at the subtle manipulation that MC had tried to use - this wasn't new to me, in fact, it just brought back all those old feelings again which always end in ... I can't go through this again ...
I resolved the matter by tentatively explaining to C1 what was going on (very lose explanation might I add) and just asked that he trust me in this one. So he did and I dictated the last text to him ..... SEND .... REPLY .... the offer of breakfast was withdrawn ..... Round 2 to me!
For anyone reading this I'm sure you're thinking paranoia is the order of the day on my part, what crap am I sprouting about intuition, however, you really would have had to live through that period in my life to understand that this time, I will be ahead of the game! (does that sound paranoid or what!!!!!)
With the benefit of experience, I calmed myself, confirmed with my other half (lets call him WD) that my suspicions were founded, showed him the said texts, whereupon he expressed his disbelief at the subtle manipulation that MC had tried to use - this wasn't new to me, in fact, it just brought back all those old feelings again which always end in ... I can't go through this again ...
I resolved the matter by tentatively explaining to C1 what was going on (very lose explanation might I add) and just asked that he trust me in this one. So he did and I dictated the last text to him ..... SEND .... REPLY .... the offer of breakfast was withdrawn ..... Round 2 to me!
For anyone reading this I'm sure you're thinking paranoia is the order of the day on my part, what crap am I sprouting about intuition, however, you really would have had to live through that period in my life to understand that this time, I will be ahead of the game! (does that sound paranoid or what!!!!!)
Saturday 9 January 2010
Paranoia .. or not
Lunch with my BF (best friend) yesterday was two fold (1) to see how she was - she hasn't been in great form so I reckoned a laugh and a pondering on life would cheer her up (2) to discuss my latest paranoia!! (this was definitely guaranteed to focus her mind on things other than her "not so happy" state!).
After talk of her "happiness state" (or lack of it) I took the opportunity to voice my recent paranoia. After listening intently as I finished with "I know I'm probably being paranoid but ..." she cut me short by confounding my fears "you've been here before", she said, "and your intuition was right then" .... "so chances are you're probably right now!".
Intuition ... such an indepth word ... lots of people don't believe in intuition but I hold my hand up to being one of those people who do. I get what others would call a gut feeling about people, things, events, happenings and I'm never wrong. So needless to say when I get that "gut" feeling again about my ex's other half (lets call her MC)and her not so stable state of mind, I can't just ignore it, so I consult with my BF to see whether she thinks my thoughts are founded or boardering on paranoia .. again. And as above she thinks my intuition is right - MC's at it again - her use of manipulation to meet her own ends, still manages to astound me, whilst at the same time causes that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I just can't go there again ...
So the advise from my BF is, be aware, watch and pull rank, afterall you are the mother, the first wife, and you now have the hindsight of experience behind you - in other words ... play her at her own game? Only problem with that is i'm not very good at playing games .. never was .. which is why I lost the first one ..
Round 2 .. here we come ...
After talk of her "happiness state" (or lack of it) I took the opportunity to voice my recent paranoia. After listening intently as I finished with "I know I'm probably being paranoid but ..." she cut me short by confounding my fears "you've been here before", she said, "and your intuition was right then" .... "so chances are you're probably right now!".
Intuition ... such an indepth word ... lots of people don't believe in intuition but I hold my hand up to being one of those people who do. I get what others would call a gut feeling about people, things, events, happenings and I'm never wrong. So needless to say when I get that "gut" feeling again about my ex's other half (lets call her MC)and her not so stable state of mind, I can't just ignore it, so I consult with my BF to see whether she thinks my thoughts are founded or boardering on paranoia .. again. And as above she thinks my intuition is right - MC's at it again - her use of manipulation to meet her own ends, still manages to astound me, whilst at the same time causes that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I just can't go there again ...
So the advise from my BF is, be aware, watch and pull rank, afterall you are the mother, the first wife, and you now have the hindsight of experience behind you - in other words ... play her at her own game? Only problem with that is i'm not very good at playing games .. never was .. which is why I lost the first one ..
Round 2 .. here we come ...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)