Closure

WD said to me on Friday night - "closure, you need closure" ...

Closure - what's that - I wish someone would give me the text book definition of it so I would know what I'm supposed to do to get closure - generally people have said to me over the years, tell him, whether its in a letter or an email or face to face .... but I never did ... I never told him how I felt about everything that went on and I never got to ask him why ...

So every now and then it all comes back to haunt me and I have to take time (like now) to try and figure out why, why its all upsetting me again -possibly the fact that we spent time together a couple of weeks ago and the interaction between them and us over C2 has been substantial in the last week or so .... this coupled with spending time in their home (the surreal nature of it all, like reversal of lives) .. is probably why i'm asking unanswerable questions again ...

I thought of writing the letter so many times over the years, the last time was just before the divorce, saying to myself its now or never and I chose the never and wonder now did I do the right thing? I don't want to know anymore why he behaved the way he did, why he fell out of love with me, what I really want to know (truth be told) is .. did he ever love me, was I ever "the one" as he was mine or does he believe now that he's met her, I was never "the one" - she's "the one" ... if I was never "the one", then what did I invest 20 years of my life in ... a dillusional relationship? Maybe there isn't such thing as "the one" and if that's the case, do I now need to re-define my understanding of what love really is?

In WD I'm rediscovering love - I can't give him the title of "the one", its been used and he deserves so much more than a 2nd hand title ... a lot of the time with WD, when we're not just "getting on with things", I wish that I could do all the firsts with him, the firsts that make a history of a relationship, that establish a past, enhance the present and usually cements the future. But I've done most of the "firsts" already, the major things that is, like marriage and babies and divorce(wouldn't want to do that particular first again) .... maybe this is where I need to change my outlook .... sharing the "firsts" with someone and making a history, don't make it last as I discovered the hard way ... so is it this outlook I need to change? Is the relationship about the love and the respect not the ring and the kids? I am here because I want to wake up beside you in the morning and curl up beside you at night ... not because we wear rings and have kids .....

you see the strange thing is that I know all this ... I chose not to be in my marriage for that exact reason, I wanted to be with someone who loved me because I am me, who wanted to wake up beside me in the morning and curl but beside me at night .. not wanted to be with me out of obligation to a vow and the kids .... so I know what I want and I choose to end the marriage in order to have that ... but I miss the history, and every now and then, like now, I have to remind myself that although I had the history, I didn't have the love anymore and the love is what I want ...

...every day I spend with WD adds another day to our history, but history isn't going to cement our future, only the love and respect will do that, only the wanting each other ...

... is the fact that if I could, I would do the firsts all over again with WD verification enough that if I hadn't already used the title of "the one" I'd give it to him?? So if in the course of your life time you chance to meet two loves who you would give the title of "the one" to, how important then is the title??

When it boils down to it, its got nothing to do with the title, its about the love .... and i'm lucky that I'm re-discovering that wonderful thing called love with WD ...